I
didn’t want to go to work today. Okay, I never want to go to work, and now that
graduation season is upon us, the bakery is stark raving crazy. But that had
nothing to do with why I wanted to stay home today.
Today
marks eight years since my oldest son went home to Jesus. Eight years that those
of us in Matt’s world have been deprived of his blue eyes; his quick smile; his
practical jokes; his kindness… so much more. Nothing has been the same since;
our family is broken.
My
heart aches not only for myself, but for everyone else who loved Matt,
especially my kids and grandkids. Even more so this year, because some of my
kids just lost their dad less than a month ago and are now facing this painful
anniversary. I wanted to stay home today and hold them. I wanted to hold Tyler
and Valarie. I wanted to hold Jen. I just wanted to make everything better for
everyone. Of course, even if I had stayed home from work, I have no power to
change what happened or to make anything better – I guess it’s just a mom thing
to feel the need to do so.
When
the unthinkable happened, and I lost my child, the section of my heart that mourns
for him without ceasing was walled off; the pool of anguish locked safely away,
permitting me to go about my daily life with a smile. Occasionally, a minor leak
springs up, and a few tears fall, but the barrier is always quickly repaired.
Once a year, on this day, I open the gate. The sorrow hits me full force, like
a dam breaking and I find myself submerged in a torrent of tears. Sometimes it’s
overwhelming, but it’s also therapeutic, and it’s what I wanted to do all day
long. Prompted by the memorial video, I let myself get lost in memories and
weeping until I can’t cry any more. Then the grief recedes and the gate is once
again shut – life goes on.
My
life goes on because of God’s grace. I can’t even imagine getting through this
without Him. I am also grateful to Him for the other kids (and grandkids) He
gave me. He knew I would need each one of them to help sustain and encourage me
after losing Matt.
The
Bible says that the last enemy that shall be destroyed is death (I Corinthians
15:26). The fact that this enemy will be destroyed lets me truly rejoice. Even
though I weep now, I have hope. One day I know I will see Matt’s smiling face
in Heaven.
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| Waiting in Heaven... |
