I’m often tired. That’s partly a physical thing – I don’t sleep well, and usually not for very long periods of time. I have chronic asthma, sinus issues and other health problems. There’s also stress. Money worries. Pain and guilt stemming from bad decisions made by some of my loved ones. Grief. Feeling like all I ever do is work. The sensation of looking at my life and wondering how I got here and what happened to “me” and my hopes and dreams.
One of my main dreams and goals in life has been to write. And I do – sort of. I work for a newspaper (at one of my jobs), and part of my duty there is to put police and accident reports into story form; rearrange or add to press releases and occasionally to do my own investigating and write my own stories – usually of the “human interest” genre. But that’s not what I dreamed of doing. I wanted to give birth to stories. I wanted my written words to make people laugh or cry; to stir up their emotions to the point where they hated or loved a character; wept for a character - basically to make my readers feel something.
After Matt, my oldest son, committed suicide, I dreamed of writing a book about Christians who “take the short cut” Home. At the time, this book seemed to be something very important that would help to memorialize my son, and perhaps help other people who were struggling through a similar anguish. The theme of the book would be that, contrary to popular belief, committing suicide does not send a person to hell. If someone has accepted Jesus Christ as Savior, they are saved and go to be with Him in Heaven, no matter what. I did a lot of Biblical research for the book, and also quizzed people about different issues, but that’s as far as it got. I’ve also never started any other type of book. I have excuses. I’m busy. I’m tired. I don’t have a quiet place to work.
I also went to school to learn web design. I had previously taught myself a little about html, and had fun playing around with the computer, so why not learn enough to actually make some money doing it? I finished school, but did not receive my diploma because I never paid for my last class. In said last class, we created dynamic portfolio sites. I couldn’t afford to post mine online to actually use it to get a job. Yeah, it’s not much of a monthly fee, but I was already struggling to pay the bills. But the thing of it is, I have the chance to make some money doing websites for people I know. But I don’t, because I’m just too busy and tired. And I don’t have a quiet place to work.
So what’s really up? Am I just making excuses? For many years, I intentionally sabotaged aspects of my life for the sole purpose of rebelling against my mother. I thought I had resolved those issues, but who knows? Am I lazy? Am I afraid of failure? Or am I afraid of success?
I thought my life was going to get better when I married Roger, if for no other reason than the fact that he had a good job and I wouldn’t have to struggle financially any longer. He was laid off two months after our marriage and hasn’t worked regularly since. I really didn’t marry him for his money, but the situation that has developed leaves me… well… tired.
I have been reminded, however, that there is hope. Earlier today, my aunt Sharon’s status on facebook said, “Aren’t you hoping for more? Isn’t anybody dreaming?” I’m not sure exactly what she was referring to when she said that, but I posted a comment about being too tired to dream. My uncle Elan, inspired by God, told me what I needed to hear. He told me not to get tired of dreaming and PRAYING, because God could make dreams come true. Isn’t it funny how someone’s words can affect us? I’m still too tired to write or create a website, but I have a good feeling. I have hope. I have God and a family who loves me and provides encouragement when I need it. And look out, world – one day I really will write a book and design some killer websites!
This verse reminded me of a beautiful song that I have on a cd - At the Foot of the Cross. And how true – God can truly change the ashes in our lives to beauty; give us joy when we once mourned and lift us up so that we can praise Him. These words were an inspiration to me by themselves, but God gave me another object lesson. About that time, Roger walked into the kitchen. Since he is the one who usually gives the dogs their treats, as soon as he enters the room, the animals swarm to him, sitting at his feet, looking up at him expectantly. It occurred to me that God’s children should be like these dogs. We should leap at Him and sit at His feet, with our faces expectantly raised to Him, expecting blessings. 
